Big men and spivs

Why do rich people get better treatment than poor people? Unfair as it is, that’s one of life’s undeniable facts. Because of this many people try to look as if they’re rich, even if they aren’t. And some of the super rich get tired of the flummery and dress down to show that they’re super-rich – Richard Branson style.

But in the DRC the difference in treatment is even more exaggerated than in other countries I’ve lived in. Being white (= rich) in Africa is an enormous advantage when it comes to shops But the opposite is true when it comes to the forces of kleptocracy, such as the police, customs and taxmen: if they smell money they become even more aggressive and demanding.

But being white doesn’t always help. For example, in the bank I am ushered ostentatiously to the VIP cashier, for which you wait in thickly upholstered armchairs. VIPs are probably carrying massive wads of dollars from their latest deal, or are scared that they will be named and shamed, so discretion is essential and everything is done in a hush. And as one waits one senses a somewhat uncomfortable tension. Unfortunately the VIP cashier is much slower than the ones on the people’s side (counting out all that money??) but the bank hates it when you insist on mingling with the poor. It’s as if they have failed.

But for locals, to look like a Big Man is very important – that way you can get served first, get huge discounts or even give-aways, and even be given a chair and a cup of coffee while your tiresome business is dealt with.

But who actually is a Big Man? How can they tell the difference? If you know how to dress and act like one you should get the same treatment. After careful analysis I have arrived at a formula.

1. You must wear very expensive clothes, and preferably have a label subtly visible so that people can see how expensive the clothes are.

2. Wear fancy cuff links, preferably heavy gold.

3. Wear a strange shirt. It must have something quirky about it such as a white collar on a coloured shirt, gilded collar points, or embroidery on the pocket.

4. Shoes must be very pointy and shiny.

5. Around you neck you MUST have a gold chain. So that people can see it, you do not wear a tie, but you are allowed to have a tie draped casually around your neck.

Now here we get to the important bit.

6. You are never alone. You must have a side-kick who is conspicuously dressed in a badly fitting and shiny suit.

7. His shoes can be obviously worn, and can even have little holes around the small toes or be very worn at the heel. This shows that you pay him very little, but also that he is fiercely loyal to you because you are very powerful.

8. He will carry your briefcase, which must look almost empty. (If it looks bulky that shows that you are not in charge of your affairs, are small minded, or otherwise inadequate). Indeed it can be empty. But the point is that you must show that you have someone to carry it for you.

Now here’s an even more important bit.

9. You never raise you voice. In fact you speak so quietly that people have to get close to you in an attitude of humble deference to even hear you.

10. You do not have to repeat anything – that’s what small people do.

11. You have great patience because you know that everyone is running scared that you will not be satisfied, and therefore they are working as fast as they possibly can.

Drawbacks.

12. You don’t own a big car. If people see that you have a beat-up car they’ll know that you’re a fake big man. Therefore you must park around the corner. Send your briefcase carrier to warn the people that you are coming, and tell them to get everything ready for your arrival. Then you can stride in without questions being asked.

13. You don’t have any money. As often as not they will be only too happy to serve you on the understanding that you can pay next time.

There’s another class of fancy dresser. He’s poor and lives in the low end of town. But he spends all his money on fancy clothes, and dresses like the Big Man but with bling. He wouldn’t be seen dead without a tie, and always wears a gold tie pin. Everything about his attire is designed to attract attention. His suit could be bright yellow in which case he’ll have shoes to match. Or he will have diamond glitter built into his socks, or belt buckle. There is nothing self effacing about him.

But he uses his clothes like a butterfly, to demonstrate that even poor people can be smart. And if it is over the top so much the better. At least he has the satisfaction of a rush of egoistic satisfaction each time he passes the mirror. Look at me – say it out loud, I’m black and I’m proud.